So I'd like to share a few of my own family recipies:
ELF CHIPS
After a hard day of beating the trollkin and being beat by the wife,
there's nothing a troll likes to do more than sit back, watch a trollball
game and slug back a few cases of the local brew. But put back that food
trollkin -- now you can try Elf Chips!
Grab that greenslave and proceed to skin him, taking off sections roughly
three fingers by three fingers. Now deepfry the skin flakes; remove and
salt. Mmm-mmm! A crispy delight. It complements the taste of ale to an
incredible degree! And the high from the salt complements the depressent
quality of alcohol. (Not that any self-respecting troll can get drunk on
_beer_.)
ELF-IN-THE-MIDDLE
Nothing revs up those cult get-togethers like a party game, and this is
one of my favorites. Take a large insect and feed it an elf. Next, walk
the beetle into the room and kill it. Then saw a quick grace to Gorakiki
and dig in! It's a fun-filled race to the elf-in-the-middle, with everyone
trying to eat as fast as they can? Do _you_ know how many licks it takes
to get to the center of an elf-fed beetle?
ELF ALA TERMITE
What troll doesn't find it hilarious to watch an elf writhe around as
giant termites slowly consume it? Sure, we all do. But don't toss those
termites into the beetle pen -- there's good eatin' there.
First, you can kill the termites and eat them right away. But it's far
better to let the buggies return to the nest -- because those elf juices
add incredible seasoning to the fungus balls!
If possible, try to feed your termite nest at least an elf a week (more
elves have little effect on the taste of the fungus balls, so keep them
for yourself). You'll probably want to harvest the fungus balls after
about 10 seasons, although this may vary by species.
GRIDDLE-FRIED ELFCAKES
Why d'ya think them elves have so many brains, anyway? It's not 'coz
they're smart, 'coz if they were smart, they'd be trolls. It's 'coz elf
brains are so darned delicious!
Now the average troll just eats 'em raw, but there's a lot you can do with
elf brains. Me, I like to add just a little bit of tarantula milk, maybe a
demi-bird egg, and fry up the resulting batch. Pour over a nice sugary
syrup, and you've got a breakfast that can't be beat! Hey, why d'ya think
they call her "All-fry-a"? Ha!
ELF-KA-BOB
A lot of trolls, after wiping out an elf forest and slaughtering all the
commie barksist-loving elves inside, they eat the elves and leave the rest
to go to waste. Whaddya thinking?! Nothing sets off the delicate taste of
an elf like the rough wood of a wartree, or the tender leaves of a runner.
So kick those trollkin away from the spoils and grab a heaping helping of
variety! Fry up sliced chunks of those varied plants, plant-men and
plant-whatevers in a cauldron with a nice sauce, and use those puny
elf-spears as kabobs. You'll be amazed how popular this is at parties!
YOLP MOUNTAIN-STYLE ELFSTEAK
Now any good troll knows those Yolpers are a bunch of namby-pamby
lunar-loving degenerates, but by Zorak Zoran's bladder can they cook!
The secret is in their judicious use of spices. Through mighty
Hero-Culinary-Quests I've discoverd their secret preparations for
elfsteak.
After killing your elf, you need to find an upright rotting tree -- try to
match your elf to an appropriate tree. Chop off the top of the tree, and
make your trollkin hollow it out. Stuff the elf in, stripping it first
and removing the head (use as you like). Fill the remaining hollow of
the tree with a helmet-measure of black peppers, leaves, and sprinkle with
a bottle of dark elf fungus wine (I find Norio Cavern's "Subere Green"
1572 to be particularly good for this). Cover the tree with a flat rock
and wait. After about 2-3 seasons you'll find the corpse to have taken a
delightful rotten flavor, which the pepper subtley offsets: fry and serve
normally. But make sure no one else finds this feast first!
JUNGLE TROLL SURPRISE
There's just one way to describe jungle troll cusine: hotter than a Death
Lord's brain when he's trying to count his toes! Now a lot of trolls guess
at the secret, but I happen to know it -- fire elf. That's right -- those
rumored, legendary burning elves are occasionally captured by the jungle
trolls and either ground into powder or cooked into sauce, and the
resulting spicy extracts are used to "heat up" jungle troll food. I happen
to have a few bottles of this, that I'd be willing to sell, cheap.
Recipe? None! Just add these spicy treats to your favorite dish, and
invite the friends over for a taste. Always a hoot!
Mmmm-mmmm! All this talk of food has me hungry.
Gerak Saladstomper, Master Chef
KIN PIE
Ingredients:
1 pie crust
12 oz. whipped cream
3 boxes of jello in 3 different colors (or other such gelatin)
8 "Eyes of Terror" gumballs (Varient 1)
This was originally something called "Broken Glass Pie," and if you've made that, this should be easy enough.
First, select the jello packages you want to use for the "kin meat," and make each separately according to package directions (I recommend green for elfies and orange for dwarfies). Let set overnight in a flat, shallow container.
Once the "meat" jello is set, take them out of the container and cut into vaguely cube-shaped pieces no larger than 1 once (this isn't art, it's troll cuisine, so they don't have to be perfect!). Now, mix the remaining jello package (I recommend red) according to the package directions, but leave out the final step (adding cold water).
Instead, mix the jello into the Cool Whip and stir well. Then, add the jello pieces you cut above. Mix and then pour into the pie shell. Let set. You can put "clean" cool whip on top, if you like.
There are two varients, "eyes" and "organs." For the first, add a number of "Eyes of Terror" gumballs. These look like, well, eyeballs, with little skulls in the pupils. This works well for Halloween parties and the like.
For you Gloranthaphiles, try adding "organs" instead. Add all organs to the original two "meat" jello colors, before you let set, or add as separate pieces if you prefer. Cutting an apple into sixteenths makes for dandy Elf bones, as do carrots; grapes are decent eyes; quartered peaches make for tasty Dwarf livers. Using "Electric jello" (jello made with vodka) for the Dwarf bits recreates that mellowing effect of Dwarf meat all Trolls crave. Or try marinating the fruit before you put it in!
Mmm-mmm. It looks relatively disgusting, but is actually just as tasty as normal gelatin. Make sure to eat with appropriate troll manners. ;)
Jamuz Fruzetta
Let us not forget that old troll saying:
"Love to eat dem Elfies, Elfies what I love to eat. Bite dey leafy heads off, Nibble on dey tiny feet." ------------------------------
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