D&D vs HQ

From: Stewart Stansfield <stu_stansfield_at_qhVyW3JOt7RG-r3-l_9oUQQ9F-uf_JUv9YWEXiFnaIkIFCCoC7rRjuolPg84n>
Date: Wed, 26 Oct 2005 11:59:28 -0000


Jeff always posts examples of play on HeroQuest-RPG, so I thought I should post an example of *proper* gameplay, suitable for Immoderate HeroQuest. Sadly I've not gotten around to writing up my HeroQuest exploits, but did write this up for a convivial e-group I'm a member of. We played the second session last night.

I use this of a clear example of why HeroQuest is so very, very much on a different plane to D&D. And I apologise for the swearing, which actually occurred in-game. The gameplay should hopefully live up to the standards of Immoderacy, and show how 'wrong' this narrativist, touchy-feely approach to HeroQuest is.  

The game is set in Mulhorand, which, while not a suburb of Los Angeles, is a pseudo-Egyptian pastiche in the Forgotten Realms. Osiris, Isis, Set. 'Nuff said. Our first-level party consisted of:  

Shar [long incomprehensible dark-elven name], a CE drow anti-paladin [Chris Lee]
Shortbow, a midget CG moon elf thief [Bryan] Mungo the Maleficent, a LE halfling cleric of Tiamat [Stu]  

As you will see, we were already set for greatness.  

THE FIRST SESSION:   We met in a temple of Thoth, somewhere in Mulhorand. There, the ibisheaded  swots asked us to go on a mission to rescue twenty children, who were being imprisoned by a warband of orcs in an old temple of Set, somewhere in the wilderness... After Shortbow berated the drow and managed to get a half-hearted pledge that he would not eat the children, we set off.  

After two days, we reached the temple of Set. It had been taken over by orcs of the Red Fist tribe (one needn't ask what they'd been up to), whose banners were proudly displayed. Like any sensible adventurers, we immediately walked up to the two orc guards at the gate and demanded the children back. They said no, which set us back a bit, and we retired to debate the issue. Shar and Mungo favoured taking the orcs out, but Shortbow wanted to scout for another entrance. Reluctantly, we agreed.  

The temple was surrounded by an old, empty moat, which now served as a 30' deep ditch. In the ditch, we saw a grate. Like any adventurers, we thought it would be a good idea to check it out, i.e. it would surely provide a back-entrance to the dungeon, so we could sneak past the orcs! How wrong we were...  

Anyway, first thing to do was to climb down into the ditch. Now Shar managed this fine, but a midget elf, and a halfling with Strength 7 clad in full armour, are a different matter. Shortbow fell, taking 1 point of damage. Which did nothing for the confidence of Mungo. Who also fell, probably after shouting "Catch me you bastards!" and also taking 1 point of damage.  

A good start to the adventure. We hadn't even entered the dungeon yet. Anyway, as we were examining the grate, the orc guards came around to examine the commotion. "Get out!" they shouted. "Yeah, right, like I can well fucking climb up there!" Mungo cried. "Bring us a rope, and we'll come up," Shar and Shortbow noted. This stymied the orcs, but off they trotted, to find a rope.  

Mungo favoured killing the orcs immediately, Shar after they'd brought the rope, but Shortbow wanted to enter the grate. So, after much heaving, we got the grate open, and promptly revealed another drop into the darkness. "Oh for fuck's sake... I'll die, I will," Mungo sighed. Anyway, down we went, with the relatively tall Shar helping the midget elf and halfling down.  

We emerged in 5' wide, 45' long stone corridor. At the end was a door. Standing on Shar's shoulders Shortbow replaced the grate, and off we went. We listened at the door. Nothing. We checked for traps. Nothing. So we opened the door, and Shortbow was prominently skewered by a falling scythe which dealt 5 hp of damage. Which left her with 1 hp, and we hadn't entered the first room of the dungeon yet. Great. I set about using my one and only healing spell.  

[Actually, the DM misunderstood the party order, and it should have hit Chris. The jammy bastard.]  

Anyway, we entered the first room. There was darkness. Now, the drow could see in darkness, as I think could the elf, but not Mungo. Now, as the drow was a munchkin who'd taken 'Daylight Adaptability', there was no debate over lighting up a lantern. But who should hold it? I paraphrase:  

Shar: "You need it, you little shit, you hold it!" Mungo: "You're the big dumb fighter, you nonce, you hold it!" Shar: "I can't, I need to hold my cutlass and shield." DM: "Actually, your shield-hand can hold another item..." Mungo: "See? Just hold the fucking lantern..." Shar: "Fuck off! You hold it you little fucking twat!" Mungo: "I've got 7 Strength fuckwit!"
Shar: "It's not my fault you're a fucking useless weakling..." Mungo: "Just hold the fucking lantern, dickhead. Seriously, it weighs... one pound... one more pound will push me over into heavy encumbrance!"
Shar: "Oh, for fuck's sake. Okay, okay, I'll hold the fucking lantern!"
Mungo: <snigger>  

It was a 35' by 30' room dominated by... a violet fungus! "Shrooms!" cried Mungo. And we set to. Shar very quickly found that his drow hand-crossbow was "Completely and utterly shit!" and switched to his cutlass. Mungo, who with a net strength penalty of -2 could do only 1 point of damage with his sling, was more sanguine. Shortbow, fired arrows with abandon. Soon there was one dead, pink mushroom.  

We were pretty chuffed at this, and set to carving it up and cooking it. Here the DM was very nice, and said we could, as long as we didn't eat the poisonous tentacles! (Don't worry DMs, he got us back later...). There was some treasure, but I forgot what it was. Anyway, rather chuffed at defeating an ambulatory mushroom, we examined our surroundings. There were two doors in the north wall, one in the east, and a large bronze set of double-doors in the south. By the latter was a plaque, reading "Form an orderly queue."  

Shortbow wanted to go straight through the double-doors, which almost gave Mungo a heart-attack. "Son, you never go through a big set of bronze double-doors in a dungeon first," he advised. "Take the smaller doors, which usually lead to smaller rooms, lesser monsters, and treasure which can help against the big beasties."  

Shortbow accepted this, but didn't trust Shar, who wanted to go north. So we went to the door in the east wall. This opened onto a short corridor, which ended in a stuck door. Once duly bashed in, this opened onto absolute darkness!  

Using his dark vision, Shar saw a great chasm which fell into the depths, crossed by only a 50' long, narrow rickety bridge.  

"There's no fucking way I'm going on that..." Mungo declaimed.
 

To add to the horror, a deep buzzing noise sounded from the chasm below. Stirges. Crap. Shortbow didn't seem to appreciate the horror (and death sentence) stirges prove to a first-level party. Shar and Mungo gradually persuaded her to show the better part of valour, and go back west, into the 'Mushroom Room'.  

Anyway, eventually we went to the westernmost of the northern doors. It was stuck, so Shar booted it open, and we found ourselves in a small 10' long corridor, ended by another door. This opened up into a 20' by 20' room, with a door in the west wall.  

The party listened at the door, and heard mutterings in a strange tongue: Draconic! "Oh shit." Anyway, the mushroom had made us cocky, so we were up for it. We opened the room, and strode proudly in, to confront the peril... Githyanki!  

While I think everyone's minds immediately turned to Star Trek, these greyish humanoids looked well-hard, and carried two-handed swords. We showed visible fear, not exactly succoured by the DM's "Don't worry, they're only 1HD monsters!" Yeah, but we're fucking useless.  

"What are you doing here?" asked Mungo, in Draconic (the tongue of
his goddess).  

"We are serving our mistress, the demi-lich sorceress!" one replied,
nodding to a door in the west wall.  

Pandemonium ensued as the party berated the DM. Demi-lich?! The fuck?! We're only first level you murderous twat! As calm descended, Shortbow (who also spoke Draconic) attempted to set up a fight between the drow (who didn't speak Draconic) and one of the Githyanki: "He says he'll wipe the floor with you, no problem," he laughed.  

At this point, the session ended. It was in a pub, it was past 11pm, and the DM had forgotten to bring stats for Githyanki. The game paused in a Leone-esque stand-off between the Githyanki, a murderous drow, a midget elf, and a useless halfling.  

Addendum  

Mungo the Maleficent, LE male strongheart halfling, Cleric 1 of Tiamat
STR 7, DEX 14, CON 8, INT 7, WIS 15, CHA 16 AC 19; HP 7; Attack -1 (Hvy Pick), +4 (Sling) Feats: Theocrat, Thug
Domains: Scalykind, tyranny
Equipment: Breastplate, heavy pick, sling            

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