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(EDT)
GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to
better
serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the
following
questions.
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely
confidential,
and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a
direct
response to comments or suggestions.
__ Newspaper __ Other Book
__ Television __ Divine
Inspiration
__ Word of mouth __ Near Death Experience
__ Tabloid __ Burning
Shrubbery
__ Bible __ Other
__ Torah (specify): _____________
2. Which model God did you acquire?
__ Yoweh __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet __ Jehova __ Jesus __ Allah __ Satan __ God __ None of the above, I was taken in by __ G_d __a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes __ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a god? Please check all that apply.
__ Indoctrinated by parents __ Needed a reason to live
__ Indoctrinated by society __ Needed focus in who to despise
__ Imaginary friend grew up __ Hate to think for myself
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys __ Desperate need for certainty
__ Wanted to piss off parents __ Needed a day away from work
__ Fear of death __ Need to feel Morally
Superior
__ Like Organ Music __ My shrubbery caught fire
and told
me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a God before? Is so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
__ Odin __ Cthulhu
__ Zeus __ The
Almighty Dollar
__ Apollo __ Left Wing
Liberalism
__ Ra __ Barney
T.B.P.D.
__ The great Spirit __ The Great
Pumpkin
__ The Sun __ Bill
Clinton
__ The Moon __ A burning
cabbage
__ The Bomb __ Other:
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot __ Lottery __ Astrology __ Television __ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers __ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics __ Palmistry __ Playboy and/or Playgirl __ Self-help books __ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll __ Biorythms __ Bill Clinton __ Tea Leaves __ EST __ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggert __ Crystals __ Human Sacrifice __ Pyramids __ Wandering around a desert __ Insurance policies __ Burning Shrubbery __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Other:_____________________ __ Barney Fife __ None
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
flood 1 2 3 4 5
famine 1 2 3 4 5
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
war 1 2 3 4 5
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
plague 1 2 3 4 5
SPAM 1 2 3 4 5
AOL 1 2 3 4 5
b. Miracles
rescues 1 2 3 4 5
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5
crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
walking on water (other than the Hudson) 1 2 3 4 5
talking flaming shrubbery 1 2 3 4 5
VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5
Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
Cubs winning the Series 1 2 3 4 5
Clinton's re-election 1 2 3 4 5
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):
Thank you
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