MOLAD:- The Caladralanders

From: Tim Ellis <tim_at_timellis.demon.co.uk>
Date: Sun, 9 Aug 1998 20:32:22 +0100


Since no-one else has responded yet on our behalf, here is what I remember of the Caladraland quest. Prime Authors were Greg Stafford & Mike Cule, assisted by the rest of the Caladraland team, who I won't name, as I can't remeber all the names and would hate to upset them by mistake.

(Just how random is this selection for the Convulsuon party anyway -
this one was obviously skewed to make all (or nearly) of the women Esrolians, but both times I have been in the team with Greg & Mike - or amI just lucky?)

a reminder

We were supposed to present four scenes: 1) the Champion awakes in a magical version of your homeland (desribed, demonstrated). He is met by his Spirit Guide, who introduces him to the Gods of your people who show him how to worship them in song.

2) The Gods re-enact the quest they did in the Greater Darkness
3) The Champion fights against contemporary opponents
4) The Champion meets the Hidden powers, and is told the Great Secret.


  1. Caladraland is jungle and the audience are encouraged to become trees and make appropriate jungle noises - from out of there midst strides a hero, who strikes a heroic pose, with plenty of bravado and profile, he meets a scruffy monkey who claims to be a spoirit guide, and offers to guide him to the gods of the land. They trek past the gods of Caladaraland, who, of course are all volcanos. Howler (Howler Howls), The Vent (The Vent turns and breaks wind, noisily), Blue Smoke (Blue Smoke takes a long drag on a cigarette and exhales), Aurolian (Who bears his chest), and Caldara (who comes on to the hero, rather in the manner of Les Dawsons Ada & Cissy) before meeting the mighty Lodril, who of declaims "I am the god of Hellfire and I bring you ... FIRE!" in the manner of the Crazy World of Arthur Brown.
  2. And in those ancient days a great and terrible plague came upon the land and its name was chaos, and it devcoured all it came upon. (The chaos monster devours members of the audience, Lodril sends his troops to fight it, they too are devoured, so Lodril himself fights it, throwing it to the ground and thrusting his mighty spear into it)

Hero:<Waynes World> The Spear of Lodril, It will be Mine!</Waynes World> Lodril: Here, Take My Spear, it will help you in your troubles Hero: I am not worthy, I am not worthy
Lodril: I say that you are worthy
Hero: Oh, alright then (takes spear) - It Is long, hard and warm, and it Throbs.

3. (no prizes at this point for guessing which of our writers has recently being in the process of setting up a new company & going public with it...)
And in these days too a great and terrible plague came upon the land and its name was lawyers, and they devoured all they came upon.

Cheif Judge: Silence In court. You are charged with unlawful possesion of an unlicensed weapon, unlawfull erections and other crimes against the empire, do you have anything to say in your defence? Hero: <defiant> I don't care!
Spirit: Your Honour, What is Black & Brown & Looks good on a Lawyer? Judge: I don't know, What is Black & Brown & Looks good on a Lawyer? Hero: A Doberman

(The riddles continue in this format, with the judge encouraging the
audience to join in on the I don't knows, with the attendant lawyers collapsing as each riddle is asked, until finally the judge dies too. These are all the riddles I remember (I know I cocked one up on the night too)

Q: What do you call 1000 lawyers at teh bottom of the ocean A: A bloody good start

Q: What is the difference between Harrek the Beserk & a Lawyer? A: Harrek is a bastard by birth, the lawyer is one by choice

Q: What is the difference between A Broo & A Lawyer? A: The Broo will bugger you for free

Q: Why didn't Krasht, the devouring mouth, eat the Lawyer? A: Professional Courtesy

4:
Lodril: Well done my son. You have fought well against this evil, and now it is time for you to learn the great secret of Glorantha Hero: You don't mean...
Lodril: Yes I do
Caladraland Volcano's (one word each as the Hero progresses past them) The ... Great ... Secret ... of ... the ... Godlearners ... is ... Greg: (whispering into the Heros Ear) Mutter mutter Godlearners mutter

      mutter A Lemon mutter mutter 2 Pounds of Sugar mutter mutter
      (to Audience) But really, 
      (to hero) The godlearners secret is (whispers something)*
Hero: Thats it?!

Greg: Yes
Hero: The great secret of Glorantha, The secret of the Godlearners is... Greg grabs hero from behind, placing his hand over his mouth and stabs him in the back.

Right that just leaves the Trolls, Rightarm Islanders and Heortlings to go then...

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| Tim Ellis           EMail tim_at_timellis.demon.co.uk                      |
| Curiosity killed the cat - Why? What did it want to know?               |
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