I did a simpler version of this up for the Digest, but since I haven't
inflicted a Friday filk on unsuspecting populations for some time, I thought
I'd post it here as a contribution to end-of-week levity. Please enjoy. Up
Senegal. Mansai Korea. Go go David.
Identifying Babeester Gori - Helpful Hints for Harried Heortlings
A Guide for Heortling Men
- Is it a woman? This is always a good preliminary indicator. If yes, go to
- Men with axes are merely confused, undergoing a mid life crisis, or
Uroxi, and that's an entirely *different* table.
- Is the woman drunk? If she is and you are too, and you're both outside
the feasting hall, you may be safe. If she's foaming at the lips with blood
beer, possibly not. Go to 3.
- Is she screaming at you, or otherwise hissing and spitting? Yes? If she's
using your first name, its probably your wife or sister. Relax, unless your
sister is a known associate of homicidal axe maniacs. Otherwise, run away
very quickly, or go to 4.
- Is the ground trembling and shaking? Yes? Relax, its only a *Maran* Gori,
very large troll, thunder beast stampede, or the fall of the red moon. Check
again to make sure its not just your knees rattling. If all is quiet, run
away very *very* quickly, or go to 5. (If the moon has fallen, have a drink
on me.)
- Is she carrying a big copper axe? Yes? Oh dear. And is the axe festooned
with a collection of castrated goolies? It is? Here's hoping you've got a
Movement feat. Whatever you do, don't call her 'Babs'. Even 'BB' is a big no
no. 'Sweet Green Woman, Look At Me...' is way out. Run away very very *very*
quickly, convert immediately to Nandan, or go to 6.
- Is she painted? Check the wing decals (tats and body paint) as you cower
behind your shield. You don't have a shield? You really should have learned
that 'Imitate Shrubbery' feat.
Now if she is painted, you may want to skip the entire section and imitate
the wind, preferably a brisk southerly. However, if you want to die with a
knowing look on your face, concentrate on the details.
If she's painted white on the right and green on the left, it means you're
relatively safe, unless you're dead already. She's killing spirits.
Red hands and feet with black arms and legs means you and all your male
buddies are in for it. It's an "I don't like men night".
Red and yellow face with yellow and red stripes along the arms and legs
means your entire bloodline or clan is for it, so you won't die alone.
Anything else is a cult secret, and you really shouldn't be asking.
Questions like, "my left side or hers?" are invariably fatal.
But then, so are BB Gori.
Have a nice massacre.
Cheers
John
nysalor_at_... John Hughes
Questlines:
http://home.iprimus.com.au/pipnjim/questlines/
The tiger of the vertebrae,
out of reach of all mythology
paces the earth.