[James F.--I'd especially appreciate feedback from you. And if you want to put this on your page, feel free!]
Why I Hate Lunars
--by an anonymous Uz of the Blue Moon Plateau
Okay, first off, I want you to notice the title. That's "Why *I* Hate Lunars", first person singular. All the Mothers and shamans and bosses back home just *loooove* the Lunars. And that's why I'm keeping my name to myself.
Now, me, I'm just an ordinary uzko. When I'm home, I do what the missus says. When it bugs me, I just volunteer for the next patrol or raid, get a little personal time, maybe beat in a few heads, y'know? Or like now, I sign on with a caravan, pick up a few bolgs, get to darksee the world. Let the other husbands look after the brats for a while. But when I'm home, I don't look for trouble, and it doesn't look for me. So I keep my mouth shut about politics.
But, Hell, we aren't on the Plateau, I can talk here. So I'm telling you straight--those Lunars are bastards, every one of 'em. Team up with one and you're just begging for a crescent-shaped dagger in your ribs.
Not for the reasons you think, though. Out here, everyone just thinks
"Lunars = chaos = bastards". That isn't the story. Or at least, it's
more complicated than that.
The Lunars use chaos, but it's not like they *like* it. They find a
hundred-foot mutant bat that spits acid and eats souls, and they say,
"Why, it would be very nice if he spent some quality time with the
Heortlings." Well, that's just common sense. Those Orlanthi nuts,
they'll say, "If you let chaos fight your enemies, it's like you're
*siding* with chaos! It's better to let chaos eat *you*, that way
everyone will know you're against it!" Yeah, whatever floats yer boat,
chief. You get to fight the Crimson Bat all you like, hope it makes you
happy.
No, my problem with the moonboys goes deeper. It all goes down to belief. What do *we* believe, and what do *they* believe?
I'll tell you what they believe: Fuck-all.
See, when they come up to the Plateau, they make it sound all nice and uzish. But I get out more than the Moms do. I hear what the Lunars tell everyone else, and I get to compare notes.
They first got going with all those sunboys down Dara Happa way. Out there, they tell everyone the Moon's a sky god. Like the sun, you know? Just a little lower and, y'know, redder. Set up a nice little Solar Emperor named Moonson (how's that for splitting the difference?). Slavery? Patriarchy? Inflexible class system? Long oily beards? You bet! That's the Lunar Way!
Then they get some missionaries up to us, and they explain how the Moon Goddess is just slowly, patiently, trying to endarken those belighted Solars. Breaking 'em in by easy stages, you know. No, see, the Moon Goddess is a *darkness* goddess! Hangs out in the night sky, just like the *real* moon does. Turns from red to black, symbolizing, I dunno, symbolizing the redarkening of Wonderhome or something, give 'em a minute and they'll write you a myth.
That all sounds well and good, 'till I sign on to escort one of their caravans back to Glamour. Couple of sunboy mercs on that caravan, too--well, live and let live, long as they don't go looking for trouble. But they go complaining to the Lunar priest about having a "troll" on the team. And you know how loud hoomanz talk, I hear what he tells them--that the Red Moon, the Light which shines in Darkness (ptooey), is gradually "enlightening" the DarkMen. That we'll all see the advantages of the Solar way, that we'll start farming and paying taxes and bossing our wives around just like good Lunars.
It gets better. The caravan didn't stop in Glamour, we made it all the
way out West. By then I'd learned to keep my ears open, and, well, those
hoomanz do talk loud. Plus I'm playing the dumb he-troll bit, you know,
"Me much hungry, me smash head now", so they don't watch what they say
around me. There, they explain that the Seven Mothers are actually
*saints*. They believe in the One Invisible God, and they give sorcerous
magic to all good Lunar monotheists. Didn't hear how they explain the
big red thing in the sky, but they sure didn't call it a "goddess" out
there. Probably explained that it was a new, showy kind of saint's-node.
Make a swing through Dorastor on the way back (and let me tell you, everything you heard about that place, triple it--you'll get some idea). Out there, the priests explain to everyone that the Red Moon is Chaos Triumphant or Entropy Resurgent or the ReBirth of Gorp or something. Join the Lunars, rape the world.
Beginning to see a pattern here? Out Prax way, the Moon is a Great Spirit. I'm sure when they get to Kralorela, they'll explain that the Moon is the Sky-Dragon's Arsehole or something.
Now, I never could make much sense out of hooman religion. Some of them talk about "souls" and some talk about "spirits" and whenever they try to sort it out they start fighting--gives me a headache. But whether they're right or not, at least they usually know what they believe, and they'll tell you. But those Lunars'll just tell you what you want to hear, every time.
Know how to tell when a Lunar is lying?
His lips are moving.
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