it's been a while in the writing and is, if anything, in even worse taste than the original "How Eurmal Lost His Stick". But here is the tale of "How Eurmal Got His Stick Back".
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Regards,
Bruce
HOW EURMAL GOT HIS STICK BACK
After Eurmal had lost his stick, he was very sad. He had liked his stick and
was very fond of taking it out to polish it or just admire it in the afternoon
sun. For a time, he wandered around bemoaning his fate, and the Storm Folk kept
hitting him to make him shut up. This was nothing new to Eurmal, though, so it
didn't help at all.
Eventually, Eurmal decided that he had to get his stick back. The problem was
that he was very afraid of Babeester Gor. She had already taken his stick, and
who knows what she would take from him next time. He shuddered in fright, and
then he thought long and hard and finally decided that the only thing to do was
to trick somebody else into getting his stick back for him.
Eurmal thought at first that he would ask Vinga, as she was always willing to
help out defenceless people. But then he remembered that Vinga was still angry
over the mess Eurmal had made when they met Argan Argar. So he decided not to
ask Vinga.
He then thought that he would ask Humakt, as he was a mighty warrior. But then
he remembered that Humakt was still angry for what Eurmal had done with the
sword that is Death. So he decided not to ask Humakt.
Then Eurmal saw Yinkin dozing by the fire in Orlanth's hearth. And he thought
that Yinkin was cunning enough to get his stick from Babeester Gor, but not so
cunning that Eurmal could not trick him. And Eurmal knew just what to do:
He shouted the Wrong Direction Shout and made Redalda look the other way while
he stole some hair from her horse's tail and wore it on his head.
He went to Orlanth and Ernalda's house and made a bad smell so that everyone
else had to leave while he stole a beautiful linen dress that Orlanth had given
to Ernalda and dressed himself up in it.
He spied on Roitina and copied her Flirting Dance, with which she had been
trying to tempt shining Elmal.
Once he had all of these things, Eurmal was certain that he could trick Yinkin,
who was notorious for thinking with other parts than his head. Eurmal came to
Yinkin just when the cat god had finished preening himself, and was trying to
decide whether to find a patch of warm sunlight or look for some food. Yinkin
was captivated by this strange woman he had never seen before.
"Who are YOU?" he asked Eurmal. "Your hair is lovely and glossy like a horse's
mane. Why not stay and talk to me?" But Eurmal just dodged away and looked at
Yinkin coyly and said: "Perhaps."
"Your dress is lovely too, and sets off your eyes just so," said Yinkin. "Why
not stay and kiss me?" But Eurmal just dodged away and looked at Yinkin coyly
and said: "Perhaps if you?"
Then Eurmal danced Roitina's Flirting Dance and Yinkin was filled with lust.
"Your dance is? just so." he said. "Why not stay and - " But Eurmal dodged away
and said: "Perhaps if you did one thing for me first."
Yinkin was so besotted now that he agreed at once.
"I know you, Yinkin," said Eurmal. "Everyone tells tales of your seductions and
your prowess as a lover." And here Yinkin purred to himself. "But I think that
your stick is not as big as Eurmal's, so perhaps I should go to look for him
instead." Yinkin's pride was wounded by this. "Of course his stick isn't bigger
than mine! Anyone who knows anything knows this!" But Eurmal pretended not to
believe, telling Yinkin that he would not believe this until he saw the two
sticks and was able to compare them.
Now Yinkin has never been stupid, but he still thought that Eurmal was a
beautiful woman and, like all men, Yinkin is a fool for a pretty face. So he
agreed that he would fetch Eurmal's stick from Babeester Gor. In the meantime,
Eurmal settled down in Yinkin's lodge to wait for his return.
Yinkin walked to the dark hole in the earth where the Earth Avenger lived. At
first, he thought he might find pretty things to say to her and flirt and
beguile her into giving him the stick. But he took one look at her bloodied
hands, and at her sharp and terrible axe, and at the Death that lived in her
eyes, and he was afraid. Yinkin's pretty words died in his throat and he found
himself unable to talk for a whole day. He went home to his lodge, where Eurmal
was very disappointed, and refused to kiss or touch Yinkin until he got
Eurmal's stick.
When he could talk again, Yinkin returned to the dark hole in the earth where
the Earth Avenger lived. This time, he told her that he had seen chaos enemies
approaching the Earth temple. Babeester Gor took up her axe and rushed off to
look for these enemies. Yinkin dashed into her hole in the earth, hoping that
he would find Eurmal's stick there. But Babeester Gor had used it to decorate
her axe and, thus, had taken it with her when she went away. Yinkin ran off and
hid in a tree for a time. He was so scared by the dreadful things he saw in
that hole in the earth that he could not talk for a whole day and a whole
night. He went home to his lodge, where Eurmal was very disappointed, and
refused to kiss or touch Yinkin until he got Eurmal's stick.
Yinkin then took some time to think before he came up with a new plan. He spent
a whole day hunting mice in Minlister's barley store, and the brewer paid him
with some of the fine whisky that he had recently made. Yinkin took this
whisky, and sneaked up to Babeester Gor's hole in the earth. He poured all of
the whisky into her barrel of beer that she kept there, mixed with the blood of
the foes she had slain. When Babeester Gor drank this beer, it was much
stronger than she was used to, so she soon fell asleep. Yinkin sneaked in and
untied Eurmal's stick from her axe. So that she would not notice the loss, he
replaced it with a stone that he had found in the forest. Then, hardly daring
to breathe in case he woke the terrible war goddess, Yinkin and sneaked back up
out of the earth and ran away as fast as he could.
Yinkin came back from Babeester Gor's home carrying Eurmal's stick in a bag. He
was very pleased with his cunning, and was looking forward to the sweet
embraces he would enjoy once he proved that his stick was bigger.
On the way, he passed Redalda's stables where he saw that Redalda was very
angry. He stopped to ask her what was wrong, and she told him: "Have you seen
that fool Eurmal? He distracted me with a shout while he stole beautiful hair
from my horse's tail. When I see him, I'll - " And Yinkin looked at what was
left of the horse's glossy tail and thought that it looked very familiar. "I'll
keep an eye out for him, though I haven't seen him for some time," he said and
passed on his way.
Further along the road, he passed Orlanth and Ernalda's house, where he saw
that Ernalda was very angry. He stopped to ask her what was wrong and she told
him: "Have you seen that fool Eurmal? He made a bad smell in the house so that
everyone had to leave while he stole a beautiful linen dress, which set off my
eyes just so, that Orlanth gave to me. When I see him, I'll - " And Yinkin
listened while Ernalda told him about the dress, and thought that it sounded
very familiar indeed. "I'll keep two eyes out for him, though I haven't seen
him for some time," he said and passed on his way.
When he was almost back at his own lodge, he passed Roitina's dancing ground,
where he saw that Roitina was very angry. He stopped to ask her what was wrong
and she told him: "Have you seen that fool Eurmal? He spied on me and has
copied my Flirting Dance. When I see him, I'll - " And Yinkin watched while
Roitina showed him the dance, and he thought that it was all too familiar. "I
think I know where he is," said Yinkin. "And I'm going to teach him a lesson!"
So Yinkin came home with Eurmal's stick. Eurmal, who still thought Yinkin was
fooled, could barely contain his excitement, and hopped from foot to foot. "Do
you have the stick?" he asked. Yinkin nodded: "Would you like it, so that you
can see if it really is as big as you've heard?" he purred. Eurmal nodded
hastily: "Yes! Yes! Give me the stick!"
"Are you really sure?" asked Yinkin. And Eurmal assured him that he was. So
Yinkin gave it to him.
Eurmal was cross-eyed and walked oddly for a time after this, but he supposed
he was happy to have his stick back. Even if Yinkin had put it in a most
unexpected place.
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