As we're playing, we ask Spanner, OOC, what he's playing. After some faux-insidious and cod-mysterious looks, he proceeds to tell us...
Spanner: "A Feyri." Players: "Eh?" Spanner: "A FEYRI." Players: "He's a fucking fairy." Players: "Yer puff. Have you got gossamer wings, and stuff?" Spanner: "FEY..." Players: "He's a bloody pixie." Spanner: "...RI..." Players: "Or a brownie." Spanner: "FEYRI!"
So as we entered the room into which the harpy had fled, we found Spanner's new character. So picture this. There's a harpy, with whom we are engaged in mortal combat. She has demonic features, bat-like wings, and semi-scaly bird-like legs.
Spanner now proceeds to describe his character: glowing red eyes, bat-like wings, red scaly body (he wanted to play a half-drow, but we had a drow...). I mean come on, what could possibly happen...
Shortbow: "I fire an arrow at him... yep, for 2 points of damage." The demon curses the elf in an evil voice.
[In the background, Shar now finishes the harpy off]
Mungo set his four snakes to hiss against the flying demon. Shortbow knocks another arrow and prepares to shoot...
Mungo: "Whoa! Whoa! Wait a minute, love. Oi! Demon! Who are you... and what the bloody 'ell are you doing 'ere?"
Spanner: "I am Q'arlbraqe'el, denizen of the Abyssal Planes." Players: "Eh?" Spanner: "Q... apostrophe... a... r... l..." Players: "Carl. He's called Carl."
The demon didn't answer. At this point, Carl tries to cast a spell on Shortbow, but fails.
Shortbow: "Oi! I feel slightly dizzy!"
Mungo: "What happened?"
Shortbow: "He tried to cast a spell on me!"
Mungo: "Right you bastard, I cast Command on the demon... it
succeeds... GROVEL!"
Shar wipes harpyblood off his greatsword. "Hey, wait a minute,
what's going on here?"
Shortbow: "I fire at the grovelling demon... and hit... for 3 hp."
Mungo and Shar: "Wait, no STOP!"
Carl: "Once I've stopped grovelling I attack the elf."
Mungo: "I try and hold him back with the snakes..."
Shar: "I put my sword to the back of the demon's neck."
Shortbow: "I fire again... and hit... for 3 hp."
Mungo and Shar: "No, wait you daft tit!"
Carl: "Right, that's it... I'm going to murder that fucking bastard
elf! I charge and swing... and do 8 points of damage!"
Mungo and Shar: "Wait! The pair of you, fucking wait!"
Shortbow: "I drop my bow and draw my sword... I stab him for 7
points of damage!"
DM: "Right, Abra-Q'arlabra... Carl is down."
Mungo and Shar: "What the bloody 'ell are you playing at?"
Shortbow: "I just wanted to know why he hated elves."
Though Carl was down, he was not dead. Shar produced a pair of manacles, and trussed him up. We then revived the half-demon with some Cure Light Wounds from the wand. While this was going on, Shar looked at some yellow mold that was on a door. He found some cushions that were lying around (as they are), and promptly scattered the down over the mold, and set fire to it. The spores had no effect, and the mold was slain. As Mungo and Shortbow had gained from the spider, they kindly let Shar do this on his own, and reap the benefits. Daft gits.
Mungo and Shortbow: "1800 XP! For a bit of fucking mold?! Big 'ard Dettox 'ere. Fuck's sake."
By now Carl was revived.
Shortbow: "Now, all I want to know is... why do you hate elves?"
Carl: "I try to slip my manacles with Escape Artist... no... not
yet."
Shortbow: "Just one question..."
Carl: "I despise them as weaklings, and shall slay them all...
except drow."
Shortbow: "I fire..."
Mungo and Shar: "No you bloody don't... just wait a minute!"
An argument proceeds. Mungo, getting tired of this, sees that there is an iron door in the east wall, with a keyhole. A long wooden pole, with a key attached, leans next to it.
Mungo: "I use the pole-key to open the door..." Shortbow: "I don't like him. He hates elves." DM: "Mungo, you see a 15' by 20' room. In it is a ladder and a chair. And four orcs, engaged in martial training." Mungo: "Four orcs! Bloody 'ell. When I were a lad, oooh, I'd 'ave considered meself blessed to be faced by four orcs..." Shar: "Four orcs! Tha's got it easy, lad! Why, when I were livin' in a shoebox..."
And so on.
Carl: "I try to slip my manacles... yes... I succeed!"
Shortbow: "Right! I..."
Mungo: "Bollocks. Right, I shout to get the orcs' attention, and
moon at them! Oi! Through here! And then run out."
DM: "The orcs chase after you."
For a brief moment, the party unites to face the foe. Carl is given back his weapons. For a brief moment. Mungo fails (again) to cast a sorcerer spell, so casts Magic Stone instead. And promptly misses with his first sling bullet. Shar cleaves an orc in twain, as indeed does Carl.
Shortbow: "Can I have a small piece of paper, please."
DM: "Yep. Here."
Shortbow scribbles something.
DM: "Right, Shortbow, make a Move Silently check. Okay everyone make
Spot or Listen checks." The necessary ones fail.
Shortbow: "I sneak attack the half-demon with an arrow to his back!
Yes, got him!"
Shar and Mungo: "Oh... No, for fuck's sake!"
Carl: "If you kill me, they [Mungo and Shar] will murder you!"
Shar and Mungo: "Er... don't bank on it, mate."
Carl: "I move to attack that bastard elf..."
DM: "An orc attacks you, Spanner. He does... 13 points of damage."
Silence.
Players: "Erm... are you alive?" Spanner: <frostily> "No." Players: "We can try and heal you..." Spanner: <even more frostily> "I'm beyond -10 HP. I'M FUCKING DEAD." Players: "Right. Okay. Sorry!"
Spanner failed a couple of Fortitude saves. All told, his character lasted just less than half-an-hour.
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