THINGS I HAVE EATEN By Kruk Kruk
May the blessings of Kyger Litor, the Mother of Uz, and of Xiola Umbar, the Compassionate, be upon this book. May Xiola Umbar grant solace to any who would defile this work, for the defiler is going to need it as soon as Kyger Litor gets hungry.
INTRODUCTION As a young Uz growing up in my native Shadow Plateau, I was introduced by my esteemed elders to a variety of delightful food. I ate heartily of herdbeast stew, of fungi stuffed with trollkin ears, of crunchy granite and melt-in-your- mouth limestone, and of many other, equally tasty, dishes. Now, as adult Uz, we can look on the above list and realize that it consists of the standard fare for a working middle class family, but as a child, I could not imagine the plethora of other dining choices that were available. I believed that the food that I ate was the be-all and the end-all of the culinary experience. How wrong I was.
My first experience with something different came shortly after I had joined the famous Wasteland Rangers, Uz gang of the notorious Tangle. For the first week and a half of my enlistment, we had been roving the Tangle without any notable action. Suddenly, though, one of our scouts, an Uz by the name of Grikko Hamshaft, came running (or the Tangle equivalent thereof) into camp, announcing that he had discovered a band of humans a scant two miles away. What humans were doing wandering the Tangle, who knows; every Uz had a theory. However, one theory (that of one Thozzig Urgfert) quickly caught on, and was soon being spread as truth: the humans were here to steal our booze!
Needless to say, we saw no other option but to eliminate these nefarious thieves, who would deprive us of our Skullbuster, our Rainbow Delight, our Drive Careful Wine, and yes, even our Powzie (was nothing sacred to these horrible vagabonds?). After rapidly working ourselves into a suitable frenzy (officially deemed suitable by Krag Hacktoe, our ranking Zorak Zorani), we silently crept to the enemy encampment. As humans are diurnal by nature, and lacking in even the most rudimentary of darksense, we were easily able to surround them unnoticed. Upon hearing our prearranged signal, we unleashed from all directions a deadly shower of bolgs upon the hapless humans. Those few that survived our airborne assault ran haphazardly out of the camp, where they were pulped by our mighty mauls. It was a great victory; the enemy was vanquished handily, our precious alchohol was safe, and there was hardly an injured Uz. Although I of course fought in the battle, my primary job was that of a Xiola Umbar battle nurse, and that night was an easy one for me.
After my first taste of real combat, I was soon to get my first taste of a new food. As we were celebrating, the cooks among us began gathering and preparing the bodies of the dead humans. Soon, a great feast was underway, featuring, as the main course, the humans we had just defeated (we also partook of the liquor that we had so valiantly defended, of course). I took my first bite of barbecued human back ribs, and it was as if a veil had been lifted from in front of my senses. The succulence! The aroma! The texture! And most of all, the taste, the glorious taste!
My life has not been the same since. I have spent my remaining years in search of ever more foods. This book is a result of my search. It contains commentary on those foods which I have found which I believe the typical Uz would be unexposed to. I hope to steer you towards the good and away from the bad. And always remember, gastric experimentation is a wonderful thing.
As a final note in this introduction, some care was taken to ensure that this book itself is quite tasty. The leather binding provides a subtly spicy offset to the crisp dryness of the high quality paper. So, after you have enjoyed the book by reading it, please feel free to enjoy it once more as a pleasing snack.
Kruk Kruk
Wildday, Harmony Week, Sea Season
1623
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