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Identifying Babeester Gori - Helpful Hints for Harried Heortlings
A Questlines Guide for Heortling Men
- Is it a woman? This is always a good preliminary indicator. If yes,
go to 2. Men with axes are merely confused, undergoing a mid life
crisis, or Uroxi, and that's an entirely different table.
- Is the woman drunk? If she is and you are too, and you're both
outside the feasting hall, you may be safe. If she's foaming at the
lips with blood beer, possibly not. Go to 3.
- Is she screaming at you, or otherwise hissing and spitting? Yes? If
she's using your first name, its probably your wife or sister. Relax,
unless your sister is a known associate of homicidal axe maniacs.
Otherwise, run away very quickly, or go to 4.
- Is the ground trembling and shaking? Yes? Relax, its only a Maran
Gori, very large troll, thunder beast stampede, or the fall of the red
moon. Check again to make sure its not just your knees rattling. If
all is quiet, run away very very quickly, or go to 5. (If the moon has
fallen, have a drink on me.)
- Is she carrying a big copper axe? Yes? Oh dear. And is the axe
festooned with a collection of castrated goolies? It is? Here's hoping
you've got a Movement feat. Whatever you do, don't call her 'Babs'.
Even 'BB' is a big no no. 'Sweet green woman, look at me...' is way
out. Run away very very very quickly, convert immediately to Nandan,
or go to 6.
- Is she painted? Check the wing decals (tats and body paint) as you
cower behind your shield. You don't have a shield? You really should
have learned that 'Imitate Shrubbery' feat.
Now if she is painted, you may want to skip the entire section and
imitate the wind, preferably a brisk southerly. However, if you want
to die with a knowing look on your face, concentrate on the details.
If she's painted white on the right and green on the left, it means
you're relatively safe, unless you're dead already. She's killing spirits.
Red hands and feet with black arms and legs means you and all your
male buddies are in for it. It's an "I don't like men" night.
Red and yellow face with yellow and red stripes along the arms and
legs means your entire bloodline or clan is for it, so you won't die
alone.
Any other colour scheme is probably a cult secret, and fatal if you
ask about it. Questions like, "My left side or hers?" also tend to
result in grievous AP negatives and random limb separations.
Have a nice massacre.